By Lindsay Swartz
In this day and age, online dating is one of the top ten ways that people meet their match. I see those commercials on TV where “John” meets “Jane” the first week he signs up and they fall in love, get married and live in eternal bliss for the rest of their perky, artistic lives.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with online dating – I see it as an alternative method to meeting new people; and in a place like New York City, sometimes you have to sift through the crap to find your prince.
Now, I recognize when you go on a date with a stranger there are downfalls and moments of severe disappointment. “But he just sounded SO cute on the phone! I can’t believe he was such a jerk!”
We’ve all been there, done that! But when you date online, one of the perks is that you can sift through photo upon photo looking for a guy who is close to your ‘type’. That may sound superficial – trolling online for cute boys – but let’s all be honest, the first thing you see when you go on a date with a stranger ain’t their personality. The luxury of online dating is that you are provided with so much evidence in plain-view one should never be led astray…or so you might think.
Ummmm ya, I’ve noticed that is not quite the case. Last week I found that out for myself when I went to meet a new potential ’suitor’ for a drink. His picture looked cute, he looked athletic, had all his hair, was tall and he had a puppy. Slam dunk right? Ya, that’s what I thought too until I walked by him on the street because he was totally unrecognizable.
After a half block stride he called my name. To which, I turned and responded, “yes?”, thinking I might have known this guy years ago before he hit puberty.
Needless to say, he was neither tall nor athletic. He DID have a full head of hair…that proceeded to rise off his forehead in a style reminiscent of Alfalfa from ‘Our Gang’.
Don’t get me wrong; he was a nice enough guy. But absolutely no sparks, let alone the thought of a kiss at the end of the date. I got a nice glass of wine and some decent conversation out of it – so all was not lost. What makes it worse though? He never got in touch again. I mean, I know I wasn’t interested so who cares – but HE wasn’t interested? That’s just bad business!
Anyway, I digress.
So as a seasoned online dater I feel it is my duty – nay – my obligation, to provide my loyal readers with a few minor guidelines.
I present my Top Five Online Dating Deal Breakers:
1. Obstructed Photos: This includes blurred images, side profile pictures, Pictures from a great distance, or pictures where the face is covered by sunglasses, bandanas, extreme facial hair, and/or surgical masks. These are all symptoms of someone who doesn’t want you to know what they REALLY look like. I know, I know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and people often get better looking once you get to know them. But let’s be honest – nobody wants to meet their date and have them look like an entirely different person who is probably ten times LESS attractive than you originally thought.
2. Job Description: Avoid words like “Independent”, “Entrepreneur”, and my favorite “Aspiring Artist”. This means one of (if not all) four things: unemployed, unambitious, unexciting and the worst of all – unable to buy you a drink. I am the farthest thing from materialistic, but if I’m stuck footing all the bills we’re going to have a HUGE problem.
3. Marital Status: I have nothing against dating guys who have been engaged, married and beyond. However, I have found that most guys who list themselves as ’separated’ are probably either still living with their significant others or have only recently split from them. This means you are the ‘band-aid’ solution to their pain, otherwise known as the dreaded ‘rebound’. Nobody wants to be the rebound because 10 times out of 10 you WILL get hurt and they will have used you in order to move on with their lives. Now I’m not saying it’s out of the question – dating Mr. Separated that is – I’m just saying be wary. Very, very, very wary.
4. Height Requirements: Women are said to lie about their ages on a frequent basis, and although men rarely care about that, they are generally known to occasionally lie about their height. Women are plagued with the fear of growing old because society has taught us – through magazine super-models, television and film – that there is no such thing as growing old gracefully. As for men – well being tall dark and handsome plagues them. I’ve dated under 5′5” so I know that it’s not that bad. I mean, look at Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. Hell, ANYONE and Tom Cruise. It happens all the time and is definitely not that big a deal (being Jewish doesn’t help – I hate to say). Besides, love surpasses height anyway, right? BUT, when someone LIES about their height that’s a whole different ball of wax. I usually like a tall drink of water myself so if I’m expecting Mr. 5′11” and Mr. 5′4” shows up, that my friends, is a deal breaker.
5. Chatting on IM First: This is a common one and almost always ends badly. I understand wanting to communicate a bit first before meeting someone, whether it be on the phone or through email/IM. It lets you gauge how insane the other person is before meeting them. As I said, I totally get it. But when a guy ONLY wants to chat with you online and says he likes to get to know people that way you have to wonder, what the hell is wrong with him? I enjoy chatting online (just ask anyone who knows me). I think it’s a great way to talk to friends who are far away, or pass time when you’re bored. But to get to know someone that way? PUH-LEASE! You can’t know anyone through useless online chatter. I could be crazier than Amy Winehouse looking for her crack dealer, yet appear online as the coolest, sweetest most charming person on earth. It’s a cop-out, it’s unreliable and it’s not the right way to get to know someone who you probably won’t ever meet in person anyway.
As they say, all’s fair in love and war. Well, all’s fair in love and email anyway. Because hey, you never know, right?
Those are my top 5 online dating deal breakers. There are tons more, but I’d love to get yours too! Put them up here on The Guyds or email them to me and I’ll share.
Lindsay Swartz was born and raised in Toronto, Canada, and moved to New York City in 2007, working at top publishing houses Conde Nast Publications and Hearst Corporation. Now she’s enriching the lives of children in the marketing department at Scholastic Inc. An avid writer, she enjoys sharing stories about life, love and dating in New York. Her likes: people watching, eating and drinking, hanging out in Central Park and getting her bangs trimmed. Her dislikes: cats, green peppers and people who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to change direction. Lindsay is currently single and living in Manhattan’s East Village.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
I’m a bit surprised that you grouped “entrepreneur” with “aspiring artist.” While I do understand that some entrepreneurs might be bootstrapping (and as a result buying drinks might be a bit difficult). However, there are many successful entrepreneurs out there.
But I do respect that it’s the guy’s responsibility to pay for the first few dates, and that he shouldn’t be dating if he can’t afford to pay. (At the very least, do something that doesn’t require money if you can’t afford it… i.e. Shakespeare in the Park or something like that).
The rest of your post is definitely on point !